Who Am I Not?

"Knowing who we are is hard. Eliminate who we're not, first, and we'll find ourselves where we need to be." - Matthew McConaughey

“I am a bad robot; I’m still a human being who thinks and feels” – The Wall, Marlen Haushofer

I am not tall.

I am not a man.

I am not blonde.

From this, you could begin to deduct who I might be – on the outside.

I am not a size eight on both top and bottom. I am not ugly. I am not vain.

I am not defined by my looks or my height, despite people constantly having to comment on it, pick me up or hoist me to the front of the group photograph.

I am not a good actor, my face says everything it needs to.

I am not a fast reader. I am not a gamer – PC or board games, unless it’s Scrabble, and I win.

I am not a negative person. I’m not closed-minded. I am most certainly not unemotional; I cry at almost all opportunities, depressed or elated. Not at the TV, unless I am alone.

I am not dishonest.

I am not good at remembering things, unless they are deep and sentimental. I am far from disorganised. I am not inconsiderate.

I am not someone who overindulges or who is impressed by shiny things.

I am not a pink person, or a cat person. I’m not socially confident, nor do I have an abundance of friends. I’m not an extrovert. I’m not a follower of crowds, social trends, or recipes.

I’m not a good singer, but I enjoy singing alone in my kitchen. I am not someone who likes to stay up past 10pm. I’m not old, yet.

I am not always brave, nor am I not brave, as bravery is surely relative to what we find intimidating. I flew alone for thirteen hours to the other side of the world, twice, but I did not jump into the lagoon from the cliffs above.

I am not regretful.

I’m not a bad person.

I am not ungrateful.

Unfortunately, I’m not always right. I am not someone who finds it easy to admit that, just like I do not find it easy to relinquish control. It consumes me.

I’m not a good plant mum. I implied I wasn’t a liar, but that wasn’t strictly true. I am not an honest vegan.  

I’m not homophobic or racist. I am not political. I am not results driven and I do not allow myself to be any better with numbers than my school predicted I would be. I am not good at sports because I am not interested in sports.

I am not religious, though I am not devoid of spirituality. I do not always follow the moon, but believe in its power.

I am not my mother, nor am I my father, though I have strong similarities to both. I am not close with my family nor am I distant from them.

I am not motivated by money, but I love to buy things that bring me joy. That said, I am not a person who needs material things to be happy. I am not the same person that I was ten years ago, but is anyone?

I am not unadventurous, nor am I adventurous. I could travel the world just sitting at my kitchen table.

I’m not someone who finds it easy to relax. I can’t say that I’m not dependent on other people, because that wouldn’t strictly be true. I’m not ashamed of being bossy. I don’t give up easily, nor do I confront problems head on.

I am not hateful. I am not loud or quiet. I am not afraid of what other people think, though I am not socially confident.

I am not decisive.

I don’t need to retreat or climb mountains barefoot to know who I am, but I believe that it can help set the right path.

I am not myself right now, or so I am told. I am not the same self at work as I am at home, around my sisters or around my friends.

I am not unsure of who I am, I’m also not confident that I know for sure that all of these things are true.

I once told my mum that I love who I am, and that I am grateful to be so sure of who I am when other people spend so long chasing the self they wish to be.

I am not completely sure that being yourself is not just a huge contradiction.

I am me, in many forms.

I am not anyone else.

I am a different me today than I was yesterday, and I will be a different me tomorrow.

I am also the same me that I have always been, and always will be.